Post-graduation depression hit me hard.
I was sad, angry, numb.
I was depressed.
I felt like I was lost with nowhere to go.
I had no purpose.
All my friends were spread out all over the country and I was back in my hometown living at home. It felt like my independence and identity were stripped from me. I didn’t know who to turn to, so I kept it all inside.
Don’t do that. Talk about your feelings.
For a good month after moving home I cried a lot, barely ate, and was not motivated to do anything. It was one of the lowest points in my life so far and I am still healing from it.
Before I came back home, I was the happiest I have ever been. I was living with my best friends, dancing, working, and being independent. In one instant that was all gone. I was now living with my family, not dancing, had no job, and not having independence. It felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. Change isn’t easy for me to begin with, so this caused me to spiral.
One day it all became too much, and I broke down. I knew I needed to talk to my mom. I had not one, but two panic attacks and it felt like the world was crushing me and I couldn’t catch my breath.
Anxiety has always been a part of my life but never like this. I was sitting at home doing nothing with nothing to work towards. My brain was overthinking me into depression. I knew I was depressed but I didn’t want to escape it. It didn’t seem like there was a reason to.
After my panic attacks, my mom helped me create a plan for my future. Something I can work towards. It was nice to have that help because I don’t think I would have been able to do that myself.
I don’t like asking for help.
Even though I now had a plan, I didn’t want to take the steps. I felt weak and always tired. It was when I got back from Oregon that I had energy again.
I went to Oregon to visit a friend from college.
Friends are very important. You need them in your life. I know that now.
Dance is also important to me. I took my first dance class in three and a half months while I was in Portland, and I felt like I found myself again. I had returned home to myself and what I love. Dance is a part of me, and it must be in my life.
The other great thing about that trip was that I got to experience a new place. Travel makes me excited and giddy. I got to see mountains, beaches, waterfalls, a new city, and new people. It was exhilarating.
I have come to the conclusion that I need friends, dance, and travel in life, and I will be a happy girl.
I will not let depression crush me.
I am strong.
I am a badass.
I can do anything.
The world is waiting for me.
I will not let anyone including myself hold me back.
Self-love is important.
Friendships and relationships are important but…
I come first.
I am prioritizing myself and my needs.
Having no fear and trusting in the unknown.
I think it is important to talk about and have an outlet for your emotions. Use this post how you see fit but the sole purpose was to get my emotions out.
When I got back from Portland, I went to Panera for three hours and typed over 700 words about how I was feeling. This post is an edited version of my brain dump on depression, friends, and the future.